Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Water is the cause of 100% of drownings

A recent study by American scientists has shown that water accounts for 100% of drownings in the United States. After the information was presented to  the nation health committee on Thursday, it was decided that we must take action against this danger. Albert Skoff, head of the national health committee, says "Drownings are a constant danger and  concern in this country, and we must do everything we can to prevent it. With this new information about the cause of these drownings I believe there is only one course of action we can take. We will have to ban water." Skoffs' plan to ban water will involve fencing off lakes and rivers, building a giant wall to block off the oceans, and closing all water distribution plants. No information has been given regarding how rain will be eliminated, though the theory that the government controls the weather and  will stop all precipitation prevails.
The citizens of the United States are in an uproar regarding this news. "All these years I kept my kids close to such a huge danger! And they told us water was a good thing," cries one outraged mother. A middle aged pool owner is in shock, "I never would have opened a pool if I knew drowning was such an issue," he says "If I had know I would have bought an ice-cream truck"

The vote on whether or not we ban water will take place this Friday at 10 P.M. Be sure to keep informed because if the bill is passed then all water based products in your home will have to be taken to the nearest police station for disposal.

Thanks for reading! Comment your opinions below or follow me on Twitter!



  1. Personally, I feel like banning water is a very necessary step for world peace. Think of all the drownings that could have been avoided!
    Once I heard that one kid died due to water. And that is one too many. The fact that water is 100% responsible for ALL drownings EVER is just outrageous. It's time to take a stand against water. Together, we can rid it forever.

    My question though is how come it's taken until now for the scientists to tell us about this?????


    1. I'm glad this post was enlightening to you Cass. I hope though that you understand that this is a satire and therefore not to be believed. But what you ask is a viable question, why do scientists never tell us these things?